Graduating College in a Pandemic
TRIGGER WARNING: Suicide, Death, Grieving, Cultural Pressures, etc.
In every educational journey, the student makes sacrifices.
Modern-day it'd be told as, sacrificing a social life.
Past days would be sacrificing nights out for stay-at-home studying.
Sometimes we become so accustomed to the loss we forget what we're losing...
My name is Elsie S*******yong, I am the first in my family with an extended education past high school. It wasn't until my '22 commencement that all my sacrifices would come to light and smack me right in the face. (Gotta love reality)
Not everyone shows up for you...
Not everyone who wants to show up for you can be there...
And the ones that go, carry that weight of assuring you are not burdening them for asking them to show up.
I am 23 years old, graduating with my Associate's Degree in Art, and a Certificate in Multimedia Technology-with intentions for a BA in Visual Arts, Digital.
My Dad had work early in the morning and couldn't come to my commencement after being too tired. My mom wasn't home when I left for my ceremony: and with her lack of encouragement/support, I revoked her invitation.
I couldn't help but notice the other Asian families around me, how they all showed up to celebrate... and how much spun in my head about why I couldn't have that.
(We exclude my sister in this scenario given she had a prior event out of state I already knew of)
I felt relieved to see everyone walking for Certificates and Associates Degrees after the arguments with my Mom that this wasn't enough or valid. She had planted into my head that if it wasn’t a Bachelors Degree or a University ceremony, it wasn’t a graduation… Being spoken to like this was my end goal was infuritating... She kept scowling at me, got huffy when I said i was walking for my Associate Degree. Naturally I thought my parents would at least be happy to see I am making progress not rip my current progress up and say it was nothing.
I speak of my goals to those I feel are safe enough to hold that knowledge with them. I move in silence, but quite frankly- I have been very vocal about my educational goals. Never did I once say I was stopping after my associate, I could, but I never intended to. There is a difference between intentionally ending it here for me or if it just so happens to end that way: To be pinned to such an assumption angered me,
Why was it so disappointing if I got my Associate Degree and stopped?
In a family where no one else kept going, I persevered despite it all and it still wasn't enough.
I work full-time 40 + hours a week as I go to school on and off full-time and part-time. My schedule to graduate changed depending on how much money I saved to go that semester. I pay out of pocket and I no longer receive financial help from my parents because we can't afford it.
Balancing work, school, and the home of Parents who don't openly give affection, is hard. My mother only knows how to belittle me and be bitter, my father works so much to afford our home that I see him at dinner and then we go to sleep.
Family will tell me the “abuse from my mother isn't abuse, but instead “what asian moms do”. Except all my Aunties are Moms and not one has spoken as harsh or beaten me physically or mentally like my mom has. With a present but absent father, I have no present parental figures other than Aunts & Uncles in my life (hence my strong attachment to them.)
I can't always do campus classes, es especially in Colorado snow... and with a 9-5 job, I am not given wiggle room to go to class and then come back to work.
You Don't Have to Go to College, Right After High School
I struggled with confidence when I didn't go to college right after high school, mostly because I had wanted to go so badly. I couldn't afford it, and we had no savings for me. I got my first job and car before I went to my first day at FRCC, where I experienced my first real academic failure.
I went from honor roll to "please retake this class the following semester you did not pass". I had never failed a class before, I had never even been at risk of thinking I'd get lower than a B.
I had fully experienced the fallback of taking off time from school to save money to afford it. I failed my first semester, not knowing what to do, or how to balance school and work- and not to let it overwhelm me. Except it did more than that, I found myself purposely showing up late to avoid anxieties of being the first one there, ditching if it snowed any because my fear of driving in snow is above anything outside my house, and slowly feeling like I'll never get anywhere with the rate I had to go to afford school and be able to pass successfully. I had taken 4 classes at a time each semester (summers included) and gradually fell back to 2 or 3 from then on. I was in a rush from being behind, I wanted to be there already because everyone my age and younger was already at their bachelor's.
I was turning nineteen, with severe depression... I felt like a complete failure and I had no one to reach out to. I had left a very bad relationship that sticks with me forever and had lost all my friends due to him. I was blinded by a relationship and then going into college blind. I was given an ultimatum to go to school or lose my car, my phone, my room, and anything else my Dad had provided me up until that point. Not only was I desperate to succeed, but I was also desperate to survive.
I made less than $9 an hour and only worked about 20-25 hours a week if I was lucky, I had no way to support myself if I got kicked out for not wanting to go to college yet. I was being punished for having no funds, not going to college right away, and still not having the funds for it a year later. When my grades came in my first semester I was shattered to see D and F on my transcript: even to the present day, I worked extra hard just to get my GPA to a 3.0 because of it. One failed semester tanked my entire college career, because in our world if my GPA wasn't high enough I won't get the job, the internship, or the awards...
I felt like I was being punished for all the horrible things I did in my blinded toxic relationship, I took it as something I deserved. I felt stupid, low, and worthless. So much so that in December of 2018 I tried to disappear, my sister may have seen signs, but no one else knew I was that bad mentally.
Seeing those I went to school with graduate on time from HS class of '17 to University Class of '21 crushed me. I felt like I was never going to have that celebratory moment: no photos, no announcements, no commemoration- like all my obstacles meant nothing if I wasn't getting a bachelor's Degree exactly 4 years later, and not a single year past that.
During my second year at FRCC (part-time) my father got frustrated helping me pay tuition every semester. With his bills, my mom's expenses, and our necessities: I felt like college was not feasible, especially if I was paying for it alone.
Soon enough that semester ended and many of my family members were graduating with bachelors much younger than me... My father's tone became "Why aren't you done yet?", "When will you be done/Are you ever going to finish?", "You're not even going to college are you?"
My frustrations became bitter, to be compared to more fortunate stories- all of which were students who had parents pay for it all, never worked a job to make it happen, and went to school and that was IT... I'd killed to have that opportunity: no bills, no debt, no stress, no work- just school- of course one would finish in 4 years tops.
The Virus
And just like that- 2020 hit and my college life peaked, everything was online that I needed to take and before I knew it I had a Certificate in Multimedia Technology and then my Associate Degree of Arts. One year- full-time, fully online: Many teachers, students, and parents HATED online and remote learning, and I jumped at the chance to finally take every class I couldn't because of my work schedule. A dream cut short as the world "wanted to go back to normal", classes disappeared, teachers quit, and suddenly that class I needed to graduate was only available the NEXT Spring Semester.
In a snap, I was behind again...
So what would I, the first-gen, youngest sibling, held to unrealistic expectations do?
Guess!
Yeah, I don't think you could've unless you knew me.
2021 came and I enrolled in the University of Colorado Denver, the college I wanted and got into my senior year of High school. I quickly found out I was ready to start my Junior year there and began to take classes WITH my current FRCC classes.
YES- for 2021 into 2022, I went to two colleges making me full-time (in total), but under the legal cap of max in-class hours.
I applied to the accelerated program to graduate faster in November of 2021, and await my approval for Fall 2022.
I graduated with my Associate's Degree of Arts in May 2022 and gained a scholarship towards my transfer to my BA Degree.
It Wasn't a Simple Last Semester
I almost didn't get this AA Degree by Spring 2022... and even though I knew I could get it by the Fall, it didn't sit right with me knowing I could've gotten it sooner. I missed out on conventions and cosplay meet-ups with friends. I skipped a night out with my sister or the girls so I could submit that darn essay on time. I'd come home from nights out phone in hand uploading my assignments before the midnight deadline.
January 15, 2022
I was burnt out...
Just as I hit my breaking point... A family friend committed suicide- I hadn't seen her since before the pandemic (2020) and due to family reasons I remained at a distance to keep out of conflict. I wasn't okay... They knew I struggled, and how much I felt in the Asian American role and Token Asian Daughter.
I allowed myself to feel what I needed and fought the guilt of not talking with them enough... My mother at the funeral told me it was bad her mom was in hysterics and that if it were her she'd never cry like that at my funeral. Due to culture, we are not to cry too loudly or noticeably, it prevents the one who has passed from moving on because they can hear our cry and will feel bad for passing. As skeptical as it was, I tried to shrug off my mom's comparison and said my goodbyes to my friend, wishing that if this stopped her pain that she was happier now.
Afterward, I wasn't doing too well, but I didn't reach out for any school help as I fell behind in classes. Luckily it was all in-state and I could rush my homework and make their viewing by the next day! My grades fell and my emotions started to crumble as the stress of passing less than 2 weeks into the new semester started to grow.
January 30, 2022
When I felt stable I was in the comfort of my boyfriend's arms on a warm Sunday morning. A text from my sister that at the time I read as passive-aggressive stated, "Are you home?"
My family didn't like me spending the night with anyone let alone a boyfriend and I had done so repeatedly for the past few weekends, I thought I had hit the max and now my parents sent my older sister to scold me… Until I read," Cousin ***** texted (screenshot) ' Hey we wanted to let you guys know that our dad has been in the ICU this past week. He's fighting but his body is too weak to go through any other procedures. We are going to say our goodbyes tomorrow.'"
My heart dropped... and I couldn't cry. I was alone in my boyfriend's room waiting for him to come back from his quick shift at work petrified in shock and sorrow. I once again had to face a relative passing in another state without a proper goodbye. I barely managed when this happened with grandma in 2013... Back then I was too young and distant to be close or cry at her viewing. Now to do it again as a fully aware adult with an Uncle I had seen 3 years ago who was supposed to visit us this year in August- I felt something shatter.This time I cried, and once I let myself cry I didn't stop.
February 2, 2022
We blessed into our rituals and sent my Uncle off to see Grandma... All day I couldn't breathe, my stomach turned, and fasting for our Mae Khao* (White Ladies) made it harder. Turns out the anxiety and depression prescription I had recently started was flaring a severe allergic reaction called Anaphylaxis*. Everyone rushed me outside for fresh air when I turned fully pale and clenched my chest. My cousins who had already sworn in as Monks for Uncle sensed our panic as they heard girls rushing me out of our room to breathe. (the Monks are not allowed to look or talk to the females.) With a Sprite in hand, I didn't tell anyone I had taken new meds. I didn’t want to concern anyone or take the focus off my Uncle’s day to talk about why I was on anxiety and depression meds…
I was already so anxious to fly to Utah after all the Covid cases were rising in both of our states, and be taking our parents who I've done so much to assure they don't get sick for the past 2 years. I had convinced myself this was all my anxiety alone and not a reaction to anything else, after all, I was stressed, in shock, and very emotional: it seemed like the only logical answer. As we prepped for our blessings I was losing more air... I began to panic calling my boyfriend for comfort before they took our phones away (it was tradition for our funerals). This lasted from 8 am to 7 pm, and I had been battling my inner fears of passing out as I said my goodbyes to Uncle.
Uncle Phouy was one of the very few family members that could remember my name, whereas with everyone else I get mistaken for my sister profusely. He was very important to me after growing up with him and seeing him survive not 1 but 2 strokes, it may have paralyzed him, but his heart and kindness never went away. I'd always want to talk to him and visit when we came back to see family. He was housebound and due to his disabilities, he was not fully comfortable going out in public.
My last full conversation with my Uncle was at his son's wedding (my cousin) in 2019. I knelt down and spoke with him and his brother, who hadn't seen me in several years. I told him all about my at the time job, and how I was fully in community college. He smiled and told me how happy he was I got to come, and that I am working so hard, but it'll be worth it. He didn't shy away from telling me how proud he was and how much he had missed seeing my sister and me together with our parents. He smiled wide saying he was so excited to come to Colorado for my Sister’s wedding and I told him all about how we were ready to house him so he could come.
Later in that wedding I'd nudge my parents to him and demand we take a photo, I would say to my mom and dad, "We don't know when we'll get to take another photo with Uncle."
looking back now there is such a stab of irony in my words... How did I know...?
At the time of the funeral I had brought my laptop with me, I was still online for classes thankfully but I had professors setting turn-ins at 11:59 pm each night. I had spent the 3 days doing our proper traditions and rushing home to do my assignments to turn in I was failing.
I went from B's to F's, I had missed a surprise Exam, I couldn't get discussion posts done on time, and I had been staying up to 2 am each night to finish what was needed to be turned in that night, just to wake up at 7 am to do our next step for Uncle's send-off.
I was so emotionally distraught, that I stayed and slept on the couch of my sister's room at Auntie's- I couldn't be alone at any point in this.
By Day 2 of Uncle's Funeral, I caved and emailed my professors for extensions.
I was given makeup opportunities in one class, but my remaining had no way around what had passed or what was due soon.
*Anaphylaxis-a severe allergic reaction, that can cause difficulty breathing and potentially lead to death.
*Mae Khao, Eng translation: White Ladies: is a few women, related to the one who has passed, who become Buddhist Nuns to say Buddhist scripture and help guide the deceased to the afterlife/continuation; they lead an ascetic life but, unlike monks, do not lead religious ceremonies. They are to fast the whole ceremony and are ruled to only communicate to other White Ladies and women who come to aid them.)
More on Traditional Laotian Funerals:
https://www.joincake.com/blog/laos-funeral/
February 6, 2022
I had come home and sat down with my college advisor/counselor, I was stuck in quarantine after a close encounter with Covid after the funeral. Being told I can either try in class and fail, with a way to get it off my GPA, or drop this semester now- No refund on my paid tuition either way.
I was stubborn, I dropped what I could with refunds, and stayed in the classes that had no refundable options and stuck it through.
May 9, 2022
Finals came and I crammed all the makeup work I could, each day I had something due. April 20 was my last day to withdraw from a class without reasoning or needing to file forms: I had F's in each class and kept telling myself I could do this. With less than a month left I went up to all D's and a C, and I was hopeful. I resubmitted three 5 page essays, did EVERY extra credit provided, sent in test corrections, made paper study guides, and even took work off. I was in my last week when I got a 40% on my final exam in accounting and a 78% in communications.
"What am I doing wrong?"
I had felt so confident and sure of myself, I thought I knew it like it was clockwork. I had failed all the questions I had thought I had right and correctly answered all the ones I thought were wrong. My panic set in as I faced the chance of a second failure in college, not only would I fail another semester, but I'd fail and not get to walk at graduation. The graduation I had already mailed cards out for, posted about, took my photos for everything...
"Why is this happening to me?"
I had no family to confide in, and telling my father will result in the lecture of allowing myself to fail, I didn't want to hear "If going to the funeral made you fail you shouldn't have gone." My mother would call me stupid and irresponsible for losing that money, and my sister would say something possibly backhanded in the range of 'well how did you let this happen? If you missed that deadline why did you keep missing them? When I was in school and we had deaths or events clash I just had to do it and get by.'
I wasn't going to miss major events for my degree anymore, but I also wasn't going to sacrifice my work for the school to please what others wanted of me. I didn't want to be punished anymore for choosing to focus on the thing taking all of my income out of my pocket year after year.
Grades were in and all my extra work took me from 50% to 83%+! but 1 last class had me more anxious than ever. With a project worth 100 points due 2 days before I walk, I had to call in at work to fully devote my day to its completion. I emailed my professor weeks prior, no answer. I asked my classmates for help so much that I worried I was annoying them. when finally our professor opened a Zoom call to questions, she reassured me with what I had so far I'd "get an A", but I couldn't afford to ride off that. I kept revising and going until 11:56 pm, 3 minutes till it was due and I was done, I couldn't fix anymore or find out if I was right- I just had to hit submit.
May 11, 2022
The day had arrived, and I was so nervous. I wanted to bail, but who bails on their commencement?!
I had no rehearsal, I was winging it, and only had two confirmations of guests to the ceremony- I wanted to run.
After the whole ordeal of not telling my mother of my success, I also had to keep it from my father. He was much more excited about my news once it traveled the grapevine, but he still, unfortunately, couldn't go to my commencement. My sister was at a close friend's wedding in Hawaii and was snap chatting me before and during. Two good friends (Alaizabel and Steph) who had made sure I didn't undersell my accomplishment were in the stands, I, unfortunately, had no idea where. My boyfriend and close friend ( we will call him, Beacon) were there from when I parked my car to entering the building and seeing me walk.
The speeches broke my strong front, I had sworn I wouldn't get emotional- I did.
Walking the Stage
In my anxious battles to overcome my want to run out of the building and never return, I began to talk to my peers. A kind graduate I walked alongside also in the Arts () she had comforted me in my worries about getting my associate degree. My walk buddies Dalton and Holly, put up with my jokes and constant babbles/murmurs for all 3 hours. Once we got to walk we cheered for one another, proudly showing each other where our names were in our commmencement books. Holly was almost as nervous if not more than me, so much that I even offered to jokingly trip on my walk before them so they could laugh and be less tense.
(For privacy reasons names are partially muted in video)
Raise Your Hand
When our speaker said to point to those who helped us get here, not only did I gesture to my friends who have always been my top supporters: but I also looked up. Up to my Grandma who missed both my graduations, to the friends who lost their battles from 20-22, and to my Uncle Phouy. I knew Uncle would've been so proud of me, quick to defend me to my mother about Community College. In his life memoir reading, I found out my Uncle graduated from Salt Lake Community College only. The memory of his face lighting up in 2019 when I told him I was in community college then made so much sense. I was doing good work and taking the proper steps whether my parents see that or not: Those who care to see my efforts do.
I will always remember the moment I mentioned to Holly that my parents were not there, as I had pointed to my boyfriend and Beacon (and kept my friends Alaizabel and Steph in mind since I had no idea where they were sitting.) Quickly Holly understood my tone on why my parents weren't there and said "I don't even know where my parents are...and they ARE here." jokingly. To my surprise when told to point "to someone who helped you get here today", Holly pointed to me, I smiled real wide and laughed, and when I turned to tell Dalton he had used his left had to point to his family in stands and his right back to me. I only knew how to joke in this case, because I was flattered and also wasn't fully sure how to accept it, I chuckled and said "AWE, ME?! You guys!" Using my free hand to put it over my heart to show I was touched, we all shared a laugh in unison and began to raise our hands for the categories we fell under.
BEACON
One of my favorite speeches was done by our Master Teacher nominee of the year! He made references to our education our strengths, and a metaphor to us shining lights to guide others like a lighthouse. We were choosing to be beacons. A hilariously ironic not-so-inside joke to my close friend "Beacon". I glanced over to see him nodding his head in agreement with each sentence said and how much it resonated with him. He didn't go by the nickname Beacon for NO reason. He has been a beacon in many lives, has had the opportunity to be guided by others. This time, he made his way through any hurdle to see me walk for my degree. It was like everyone who came (my BF, Beacon, Cat, Alaizabel, and Steph) were meant to be there in some form, and I was gradually finding out with each speech.
And if interested here is the FULL speech I was moved by:
During the whole ceremony I was confused, conflicted, and scared.
I did my anxious nonstop talking and made conversation with the graduates around me, but no matter what, my mind couldn't veer away from the fact I had no family there. The family I made friends were, but my relatives were nowhere found. My mom had already downplayed my accomplishments and said this Community College Commencement was unnecessary and “didn’t count”. She insisted this didn't qualify as a graduation and proceeded to inform the family I had told, that it wasn't legitimate.
I got to see all the families cheering and happy for their grads, as I felt very lonely. I did my best to surround myself with those who are here for me, even if small, but I still felt alone. That pressure we are put under our whole lives to make our family, parents, and grandparents proud felt unattained: like it wasn't good enough. Despite knowing I was continuing my education, the way I watched my Mom rush to tell everyone I was "lying" about graduating, made it stick with me.
"I will never be good enough for you."
After reaching high GPAs, excelling to be in programs, Honor Rolls, Contests... I wasn't good enough, they don't boast about me, or mention my successes to show they are happy with what I do. I make these events a big deal bbecauseno one else in the house will, I am allowed to celebrate 4 years of my life I will never get back that I spent crying over a B and not an A grade.
So Here's To My Accomplishments:
I Entered Contests
Jostens 2nd in the US 2017,
1st School District Bus Safety 2017,
I graduated High School -2017
I cosplayed Professionally whilst in School
I graduated Community College -2022
I got a Scholarship for my JR year at University -2022
We forget to give ourselves credit for what we do, just because we are blinded to the feats it took to get us here.
I made so many proud videos to commemorate my Graduations and feared my family would say I was going too far for a "Community College Graduation". The dreaded "Oh." after finding out I only got my Associates is sickening. Not everyone celebrates an Associates to Bachelors, but I did and I fucking deserved to.
First Generation Graduate.
The only College Educated child.
Only Child in the generation of cousins who went to college and finished.
For all these "just me's" I sure kept hearing "but they(s)", it's great that someone else got a different degree and or got it at a different level, but that Does Not take away the effort and sacrifices I made to get mine.
Congratulatory Videos
Congratulations!
If you made it this far you've read a GOOD summary of a few Chapters in my life.
I commend you for sticking through that! It' appreciated, Thank You!
~Love Elsie S*******yong
